Hey wow, that title is pure clickbait but I honestly didn’t know what else I could call it because while it comes off like a crappy buzzfeed article, this is truly my opinions on what are my least favorite musicals and why I don’t like them. I mean after all I liked Rent Live, I gushed on Big Fish and Hunchback and I discussed the Tonys without bringing up how they’re probably rigged so I think it’s fair to say things have been too positive for too long. Of course this is just my opinion so if I disagree with you then I disagree with you, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong or your right just that we’re not the same person. Theatre would be really boring if we were, I mean could you imagine a world in which Newsies never left Broadway and ran forever and ever and ever bringing joy to the hearts of the young and old from 2012 to the end of time, that’d be absolutely horrible. Anyways without any further ado here’s my list in no particular order.
5- My Fair Lady
Do you love the boring “masterpiece” that is George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion? No, well maybe you’ll like it with some music slapped in there and I do quite literally mean slapped in the middle. You see Lerner is credited as the writer of My Fair Lady’s book which is very shameless because Shaw should be credited for the book as My Fair Lady is literally just Pygmalion with songs slapped between. Now is that a problem? Today I think so little rewrite of the script for it’s adaptation would be seen as lazy but back then I can give them that it was a standard. Oklahoma!, which came out 13 years earlier had many of its scenes ripped straight from the play “Green Grow The Lilacs”. It made sense that a musical adaptation of a play unless it was something like Shakespeare could just be that play with music added in. So what is my problem. Well, It would seem Mr. Lerner and Lowe in adapting Pygmalion would just leave it be. That they would make it a musical and not change any fundamentals to the original story but this is where Lerner and Lowe decided to cement one of the most horrible cliches in musical theatre history. Let’s take a look at the original ending of Pygmalion the play My Fair Lady is based on. In the ending of the play Shaw decides to make very clear that Higgins and Eliza do not get marry. It was something he stated immensely during his life was very important. Unlike the original myth it was based on Shaw wanted Eliza to become an independent woman. So tell me how this message in which Eliza leaves the man who has been treating her poorly manages to be more empowering in 1913 than its musical counterpart forty years later. I’ll tell you how. It’s because Lerner and Lowe wanted a “happy ending”. I want you take a step back from where you are in your musical knowledge and pretend your being asked a question knowing nothing about musicals and the types of them out there. You would probably say that musicals have upbeat music, big dance numbers, and happy endings. That’s just sad. That musicals are expected to be happy because it was set as the standard that a musical would leave the audience happy no matter what, but what really bugs me is in trying to leave the audience feeling good Lerner and Lowe completely screw up the meaning of Pygmalion. Look at a musical like Les Miserables. Les Mis ends on a happy note allowing us to see all of our barricade boys and girls in heaven finally free before the show ends. It’s a lot more upbeat than if Jean Valjean just died and that was it but it doesn’t lose any of the purpose of the story Les Mis tells. If anything, its improves it. Now look at Hunchback. The Disney version changes the ending drastically and some would complain that it’s similar to My Fair Lady, that it was changed purely to leave audiences on a good note but honestly, I don’t see the problem here. The original Hunchback leaves readers with a feeling of hopelessness for how cruel humanity can be and the disney version doesn’t tell us that humanity isn’t cruel. Instead it shows us how humanity can be good and gives a message of hope and that we can decide to treat people better. This is very clear in the lyrics “What makes a monster and what makes a man” and in the final song that was saved for the credits, “Someday”. I think a musical can change it’s ending to make it happier and it is ballsy for a show to just end on such a sour note but when you ruin the entire point of a show in order to make it happy that is when I have a problem. In My Fair Lady’s ending, Eliza returns to Henry. Luckily West Side Story would come along a year later to say that it’s ending wasn’t happy and it didn’t care whether you liked it or not. I’m not the first to bring up how terrible this decision was but I might hopefully be the last because the recent Broadway revival of My Fair Lady finally decided to fix the ending making it more so like it originally was and I hope to see that change put into future scripts as well. My Fair Lady still has well written music and while I don’t like the songs I hope you do. I have never liked My Fair Lady at all, as I never liked Pygmalion but I think with an ending restored to the original empowering message Shaw intended I won’t hate it.
Wow that one show was like a whole mini blog. Welp, guess I gotta speed it along. Of course it’s in here and you’re probably pegging me as being a band wagoner but rest assured I don’t dislike Cats because I think the music is bad or it’s a even a bad show. No, I don’t like Cats because well it’s freaking Cats. Go look up the longest running Broadway shows of all times and look what’s No.4 Cats. 29 highest grossing shows of all time No. 10 Cats. How did a musical based on T.S. Elliots bedtime stories become the face of Broadway? I don’t know. I honestly can’t say anything but good job Mr. Webber.
3- Heathers High School Edition
First of all, do I hate Heathers? No, I can acknowledge that Heathers probably doesn’t have the best message out of every musicals and at the very least doesn’t translate it’s message well but hey neither does Dear Evan Hansen. I rather really like Heathers and it’s very important to realize that so I can express why I hate Heathers: High School Edition.. Heathers is a near perfect example of a musical taking place in high school. As a high schooler I don’t feel like this is an adult trying to write high schoolers but actual high schoolers to some degree. If you don’t know kids cuss a lot, so much so that you stop noticing that it just gets added to your vocabulary like an adjective. High schoolers are mean and don’t call you “dumb” or an “idiot”. The words Heathers throw around in it’s opening number are words I hear in school and are things that help sell the setting. It’s important you understand the hell Veronica lives in because if you don’t than you lose part of the shows narrative. Quite simply put, Heathers isn’t a kids movie and high school isn’t like a kids movie either. It seems like there are people around you who exist purely to bring you misery so to have a musical be so unapologetic and so real, It’s no wonder that Heathers is so popular with the youth. So for a musical that I feel nails the material it’s based on why do I hate it’s high school variant so much. Well, because it does none of that. Heathers High School Edition follows the standard procedure for making most high school editions. Take a show and suck the life out of it so you can sell it’s battered corpse to schools to perform. Now I get it, MTI knows that high schoolers don’t need such strong censorship and won’t track you down if you do the non high school version of Avenue Q and Les Mis High School Edition is a good stand in for a show that never has any chance of leaving the restricted category, but it’s Samuel French’s Heathers: High School Edition most of all that leaves me writhing. It was pushed as though it had such a strong message for kids that they needed to hear but then cut it up so that the message was still there but the show had no resemblance to the original Heathers. I hate censorship and I think you lose something of a piece of work when it’s censored, but I understand sometimes it’s necessary to a degree. I think a high school edition works best when it serves to make a show more doable for schools and carefully snips out what might be unacceptable but it's important that it doesn’t affect the feel of the show. If you take out some of the innuendos in Legally Blonde, I’ll notice but it’s nothing I’ll write the entire show because of. So for a show like Heathers that is littered with things deemed unacceptable to the point if you censor it or take it out entirely I will notice, what was the point? If the version we see is so cut through why did there ever need to be a Heathers: High School Edition. I honestly think a high school version of Heathers could work but more love has to be put into it. The new version of “Candy Store” feels like the writers put down the first thing they thought about. If your looking to do Heathers: High School Edition, I just can’t recommend it but, I love Samuel French even when they make some mistakes, so I’d recommend another one of their shows in its place like The Secret Garden or Rock of Ages or just the full version of Heathers if your school doesn’t care.
Woah, why is Sweeney Todd on this list? Do you not like Sondheim's masterpiece? Well, remember something doesn’t have to be bad to be my least favorite musical just one I don’t like. So, do I not like Sweeney Todd? Well, no, not technically at least. See, I’m be an idiot to say Sweeney Todd had unengaging music or a bad script or wasn’t an incredibly revolutionary musical which it totally was. It’s just...I really don’t like blood. I really don’t like being trapped in the middle of an aisle during a school trip and I can’t leave but I feel sick because I just watched someone’s throat get slit live on stage, and yeah in theory you can look away but Sondheim that cheeky bastard made sure you will always know and see it even when you close your eyes that picture of someone’s blood squirting out of their throat after Todd has slowly dragged his razor along their neck. Sondheim put in an organ sound everytime it happens. So, yeah I don’t see Sweeney Todd unless I have a bag on hand and if I do I always sit in the aisles. That’s enough of that, I’m feeling sick just writing about it. It’s a horror musical alright and if that makes it your favorite then more power to you. It’s the only musical on this list I don’t dislike I just can’t physically stand it.
Why do I have such an ungodly hatred for such a sweet little show. Worse than My Fair Lady which has a good reason, worse than Cats which is way more popular and worse than Sweeney which literally makes me feel terrible. Why is this worse than all of them? Is the music bad? No. Is the story bad? No. Are the characters uninteresting? No. Is it uninteresting? Not Really. So why do I hate it? Well, the truth is I don’t know. I can’t make sense of it but know one thing for sure is that I hate Annie. I hate Annie more than any musical on earth. That’s it. There’s no deep analytical message here. No opinions on why this is the perfect example of something else I hate. No really good thoughts. I just really hate Annie.
Okay, that’s enough negativity for one day. I’ve been Taylor and you have been you and I will see you with something much more positive in the future.